


Home

by tae_tator



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bottom Byun Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun is Bad at Feelings, Cigarettes, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Smoking, Top Oh Sehun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 08:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18279869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tae_tator/pseuds/tae_tator
Summary: It's different this time when Sehun doesn't come home. Baekhyun tries to convince himself that it's not anything bad, just different. He lights up a cigarette in the middle of the livingroom. Why not? Sehun isn't there to stop him or distract him from his urge. He holds the smoke deep in his lungs as long as he can. His mouth forms a tight circle as he blows it out steadily. He chuckles lightly and brings the cigarette back to his lips. Nothing is wrong. Nope. Not at all. It's just…different.





	Home

It's different this time when Sehun doesn't come home. Baekhyun tries to convince himself that it's not anything bad, just different. He lights up a cigarette in the middle of the livingroom. Why not? Sehun isn't there to stop him or distract him from his urge. He holds the smoke deep in his lungs as long as he can. His mouth forms a tight circle as he blows it out steadily. He chuckles lightly and brings the cigarette back to his lips. Nothing is wrong. Nope. Not at all. It's just…different. He puts the cigarette out on the glass coffee table, and does nothing to try to wipe away or hide the black smear of ash. 

Baekhyun slips his phone out of his back pocket, and lights another one. He takes long drags, sucking the smoke deep into his lungs, as he unlocks his phone. He scoffs at the smiley picture of Sehun on his background. "All fucking eyebrows," he hums to himself. He bites his bottom lip and smooths his tongue over it. Pushing all his feelings way down. That fucking picture. Baekhyun hadn't even put it there, Sehun had a few weeks ago. Baekhyun stops to think about that day, cigarette hanging loosely from his lips as he breathes in the smoke and blows it out of his nose. 

Baekhyun had been sitting on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. There had been a pack of matches in one hand and a pack of smokes on the coffee table. He'd light each match and watch it burn until the heat became too much to bare. He wanted nothing more than a good fuck and an entire fucking pack of cigarettes.

Baekhyun chuckles thinking about that. How badly he wants him. He lights another cigarette, looks back at the picture of Sehun decorating his phone, swallows hard, and continues playing the memory in his head. He remembers how the only thing he could feel was pain. He remembers wanting to let the match burn away into nothing, but never being able to handle the burn. 

He remembers hearing a soft yet persistent knock. The feeling that had started to bubble up inside him. He heard the door knob jiggle as the door opened and closed. He remembers the gentle "hyung" as Sehun had cautiously walked into the living room. He remembers looking at Sehun. So tall and broad. Strong. Stronger than Baekhyun. Better than Baekhyun. Baekhyun had looked at Sehun, had seen the deep crease between those fucking eyebrows. He'd felt something. He had wanted to take his thumb or his lips and gently smooth out the worry prominent between Sehun's brows. 

By now Baekhyun has smoked enough cigarettes to satisfy his urge for nicotine. Yet, he keeps smoking them anyway. Because Sehun hasn't come home. 

As Sehun had looked around and taken in the sight before him, the worry lines had only grown more intense. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and staring right at Baekhyun. His lips formed a small pout and he let out a soft concerned, "Hyung?" Baekhyun remembers looking at Sehun like that, and wondering how he was able to make himself look so small. "Are you smoking again?" Sehun had asked, nervously grinding his teeth into his bottom lip. Baekhyun had felt something.

"C'mere Sehunnie," Baekhyun had said while patting the couch next to him softly. Sehun had seemed to relax a bit at his soft tone, and Baekhyun was positive he was feeling something. Something other than pain. Sehun had sat down quickly, and left little space between them. Baekhyun didn't mind, and had swung his arm along the back of the couch, around Sehun. 

"Are you, hyung?" Sehun was always insistent and impatient (something that comes with being the maknae). Except when it came to sex, but Baekhyun quickly tried to push those thoughts away. It wasn't just about sex with Sehun, even if ig had started that way. Sehun had shuffled closer when he hadn't answered right away. Baekhyun could feel the heat from his body against his bare torso. "Hyung?" 

"No, Sehunnie." Baekhyun had hummed softly and just barely grazed his fingers along the soft, dark hair at the nape of his neck. "You can look in the pack. It's still full. I haven't smoked any." He said honestly. Sehun grabbed the pack of the table and sighed in relief when he saw that he was telling the truth. He looked to Baekhyun sadly, his eyes wide and questioning. Baekhyun had pushed his fingertips up through the dark hair at Sehun's neck and scratched at his head gently. "Sehunnie…cigs are really hard to quit," he stopped and looked into Sehun's eyes as he continued to run his fingers through his hair. 

"But you've quit so much, hyung, and wasn't all that stuff a lot harder to quit?" Sehun asked. Baekhyun had found a particularly sensitive spot behind Sehun's ear, and the worry lines immediately smoothed out. He let out a soft breath of content. 

"Yeah...yeah it was," Baekhyun had hummed and continued to rub at the sensitive spot behind his ear. "But I used cigs as a distraction from all that shit." Sehun's head softly rested into his shoulder. His eyes slipping shut from the relaxing feeling of Baekhyun's fingers massaging into his scalp. "Everytime I had the urge to drink or light up or…shoot up, I would smoke." Sehun hummed softly, whether from Baekhyun's fingers or from understanding, Baekhyun wasn't sure. "And smoking is legal, even if it's not good for you, so…it's a lot harder to stop smoking."

Sehun sat up and looked directly into Baekhyun's eyes. "I understand, hyung." He reached for the pack of cigarettes off the table and Baekhyun watched in confusion as Sehun got up and sprinted towards his bathroom. With Sehun there, he had been too distracted to even think about smoking, but it had always been in the back of his mind that the cigarettes were there. It was comforting, and seeing Sehun run away with them caused panic to flare up throughout his entire body. He bolted off the couch and ran after Sehun. 

Sehun had crushed and dumped all of the cigarettes into the toilet and quickly stuck his long muscular arm out to block Baekhyun from getting to them. Then, he flushed the toilet and all of the cigarettes were gone. Baekhyun felt something as he looked at Sehun. "C'mon, hyung," he had whispered softly and pulled Baekhyun back out to the couch where they carefully entangled their limbs. They laid like that for a while. Baekhyun mostly ontop of Sehun with their legs wrapped around each other. Baekhyun drew little shapes and random things along Sehun's broad chest with his fingertips. Sehun carefully ran his hand along his bare back and up to his neck and then would softly run his fingers through his hair. 

"Thank you, Sehunnie." Baekhyun had said softly. Sehun just hummed in response. His phone buzzed and he groaned in annoyance as he pulled it out of his front pocket. Of course, it was Junmyeon asking why he wasn't at the NA meeting. Junmyeon was always such a mother hen. Sponsors were supposed to be though. Baekhyun quickly texted him back that he was home relaxing and not doing any drugs or any drinking. Sehun chuckled deeply at Junmyeon's demand for photo proof. The sound made Baekhyun feel a little lighter. He opened the camera app and Sehun began to get up. "No," Baekhyun all but whined, "stay Sehunnie. Want you to stay."

"Ok, hyung." He sighed softly as they resumed their previous cuddling position. Baekhyun hummed and lifted the camera up to take a selfie. 

"Smile, Sehunnie." Baekhyun said before snapping a picture. He sent the picture to Junmyeon and snorted at the older man's responses. He pushed the home button and went to put his phone away, but Sehun wrapped his large hand around it before he could. 

"You dont even have a background picture. That's so boring." Sehun chuckled and took the phone easily from the smaller boy. He held it up and took a selfie before making it Baekhyun's wallpaper. "There that's better." He laughed. Baekhyun smiled lightly and slipped the phone back into his pocket. "Now, when you want a cigarette you can just look at me and think about today." 

Clearly, Sehun had been right. Baekhyun snorted as he lit yet another cigarette. Baekhyun was definitely thinking about that day. Thinking about how they'd kissed softly. Feeling anything other than numb was all he'd wanted, but then, Baekhyun was able to feel pleasure instead of pain. It had made him feel like maybe he could someday be himself again. He'd craved it and begged for it. Fuck he had definitely begged for it. He had licked along Sehun's neck and whimpered into his ear begging Sehun to fuck him while grinding his hard cock against his hip. 

And of course, Sehun had. He took his time pulling Baekhyun apart and making him feel so much yet not enough at the same time. It was the most alive Baekhyun had felt in years. When they had finally finished, Baekhyun had begged him not to leave, and then this thing had began. 

Baekhyun clenches his teeth at the memory of that night. Sehun was almost always around after that and things had been better...so much better. 

He takes the last cigarette out of the pack and lights it. He looks back down at his phone, and quickly opens up his messages. He pulls up his conversation with the younger boy, and tries not to look at all of the messages from Sehun that he ignored. He wants to text him. To reach out to him. Wants to beg him to come home. 

He decides to call him instead. Sehun is nice and kind and he always answers when someone calls, no matter the time of day. Except now. Now the phone rings once and is immediately sent to voicemail. It's a clear rejection. Sehun doesn't want to talk to him. Baekhyun hurt him too badly. 

But it's fine. Baekhyun is totally fine. This isn't anything bad, this is just something different. 

Just like how Sehun hasn't come home and now everything's different. It's different now that Sehun hasn't fucking come home. Home. Baekhyun bursts out laughing at that. He laughs so hard his stomach hurts. He places his hand over his stomach and doubles over with laughter. Home. He gasps for breath between his laughter. This isn't Sehun's home. Baekhyun isn't Sehun's home. He shakes his head and laughs lowly from the back of his throat. Sehun hasn't come over (home) and everything is so fucking different. He grips his hand on the edge of the glass coffee table and stands up straight, letting it flip over. The glass shatters everywhere. Home. Baekhyun burst out laughing again. 

Then suddenly the laughter sounds sad, like weeping, and Baekhyun realizes he's crying. He's sobbing. He's shaking and gasping for breath and all he wants is Sehun. He grasps his phone and sends Sehun a text "plz answer" The text is read almost instantly, and Baekhyun waits to see if he'll reply. After a few minutes, there's nothing, and Baekhyun calls him again. He's desperate. He's so fucking desperate. Sehun sends him to voicemail again. He calls again. And again. And again. 

His fifth time calling, Sehun finally answers, and Baekhyun feels like he can breathe again. Before he can say anything, Sehun starts shouting angrily. "Listen, Baekhyun. You can't just call me everytime you want someone to fuck you. I'm not a fucking toy you can just play with whenever you want." Sehun hangs up and the line goes dead. Baekhyun sobs harder. Its the nasty kind of crying with snot and drool running down his face. He thinks back to this morning, when everything had gone wrong. 

He had woken up slowly, his mind hazy. Sehun was gently kissing his neck and along his collarbones. There was no rush or urgency to it. It was just how Baekhyun likes. When Baekhyun had fully awoken, he had run his fingers through Sehun's hair just how he liked it and said "Good morning, Sehunnie." His voice was deeper and thicker from sleep. He opened his eyes slowly and was met with a sweet, soft smile and Sehun's intense eye brows. 

"Morning," Sehun had whispered before slowly moving his lips down Baekhyun's stomach and quickly wrapping his warm wet mouth around his cock. He took his time, just as he always does, and afterwards his whole body felt like liquid. Then, Baekhyun happily returned the favor and they laid together in the warm light of the sun. It had been nice, relaxing. Baekhyun thought it was the closest to happiness he'd been in years. Sehun nuzzled his nose into Baekhyun's hair and kissed it softly. 

"I love you." Sehun had said. His voice had been shakey, nervous but it was clear he really meant it. Baekhyun's whole body had tensed. His hands stopped moving along the hard planes of Sehun's stomach. "You don't have to say it back yet. Just wanted you to know." Sehun had hummed happily and kissed the top of Baekhyun's head again. "Wanted you to know that I love you, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun had scrambled out of the bed faster than he ever had before. Sehun had looked so scared and so hurt, and Baekhyun couldn't stand to look at him as he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and randomly threw them on. "Baekhyun wait." Sehun hurried out of bed towards him. "What's wrong? Talk to me." He begged as he chased after Baekhyun who was running out of the bedroom and to the front door as fast as he could. Only one arm was all the way through his shirt, he didnt have any socks or underwear on, and his pants were unbuttoned with the fly down as he sprinted to put on his shoes. 

Sehun was sobbing by then. Baekhyun cringes thinking about it now, knowing that's exactly how he is sobbing now, just hours later. 

"P-please, hyung." Sehun had begged as Baekhyun sprinted out of the house and outside as fast as he could. He got into his car and drove off as fast as he could. Sehun had been stunned. He couldn't run outside naked and it was clear Baekhyun didn't want to be followed. It was clear that Baekhyun didn't love him back. 

Baekhyun drove for a long time. He drove around to all of the places he use to score dope. The places he used to shoot up. The place he overdosed at when he decided to finally check himself into rehab. He drove until he was almost out of gas. When he stopped to get gas, he bought a pack of camels without hesitating or thinking twice. When he finally got home and had the courage to go inside, he climbed the stairs slowly. The pack of camels in his back pocket. When he walked inside he was expected to find Sehun sad, angry, confused, just anything. He had expected to see Sehun. He was ready to apologize, to try to explain. 

Yet, all he found inside was the spare key he had given Sehun sitting on the glass coffee table. Panic had settled in him and as he quickly searched the apartment for Sehun, he found that all of his things were gone. The clothes in the bottom drawer of Baekhyun's dresser were gone. The toothbrush by the sink with the green cover was gone. Even the little octopus named Milo that Baekhyun had bought him from the aquarium was gone. 

Baekhyun told himself he was happy. Glad that Sehun had decided to move on. It was better for him this way. Baekhyun was so happy for him. So happy that he sat on the floor staring at the door for hours just hoping maybe Sehun would come home. 

There's that word again. Home. Baekhyun sobs harder when he thinks about it now. He knows he's being selfish, but he needs to make things right. He needs to try his hardest. He knows he fucked up but he could never ever live with himself if he didnt try. So, he calls again. Of course, Sehun doesn't answer. 

This time, Baekhyun leaves a message. "S-sehun," he takes a deep breathe and tries to stop sobbing. "I ju-ust need t-to explain. P-please, S-Sehunnie." The line goes dead as he runs out of time. He feels better after saying it out loud. He's able to start breathing steadily, but the tears never stop. After a few minutes of staring at his phone, he turns his ringer volume all the way up and closes his phone. He needs to wait for Sehun. Maybe he'll want to hear him out eventually, maybe he never will, but it's not fair to Sehun if he keeps begging and pressuring him. So, Baekhyun slowly gets up and changes his clothes into something softer more relaxing. He carefully avoids the shattered glass and then sits on the couch. 

He runs his hand through his hair and lays down, staring at the ceiling. He doesn't know how much time passes as he cries and stares up at the gross off white ceiling. He thinks about all of their memories together and he cries. He cries as thoughts of loneliness and emptiness creep into his head again. He doesn't want to stop feeling. Not since Sehun has begun showing him how to again.

Then, there's a knock on his door. Its hesitant and soft, but Baekhyun hears it and hurls himself off the couch and rushes to the door. He rips it open without looking through the peephole. His eyes land on Sehun and more tears flow and he cant stop it no matter how hard he tries. Sehun doesn't look much better than him, eyes bloodshot and face puffy. 

His eyebrows are angled and furrowed in a way Baekhyun has never seen before. He's wearing a large black hoodie that he's absolutely drowning in and a pair of tight white jeans. He looks so small and fragile. Baekhyun wonders if he looks the same. 

He moves out of the way slowly and Sehun cautiously walks in. "How much did you smoke?" He asks, but his voice isn't angry or concerned. His voice is flat and monotone. Baekhyun feels guilt in every part of his body. He doesn't think he's ever felt this much at once. So many different emotions and its overwhelming. He takes a minute to try to calm down before he speaks. 

"A pack." He answers honestly. His voice is wobbly from tears building up in his chest. "I-I broke the coffee table too." He admits and chokes down a sob. Sehun nods his head slightly and crosses his arms. He puts up a barrier between them that's never been there before, and Baekhyun doesn't know what emotion he's feeling at that. 

"So…what is it that you need to say?" Sehun asks. He's never been one for patience. His voice sounds bored, indifferent. Baekhyun hates it and it makes his skin crawl. Sehun looks at him expectantly but he's not sure where to begin. 

"This morning..." he tries to begin but it doesn't feel right. "No, the first day we…" he gasps and closes his eyes tightly. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what to say or how to explain it. He squeezes his eyes tightly and sinks his teeth into his lip. He's desperately trying to think of something. Trying to string some words together. 

"I don't have time for anymore of you're games, Baekhyun." Sehun rolls his eyes and starts towards the door. Baekhyun can't watch him walk away. He can't leave. He needs to tell him. He needs to explain. He needs to do something. Sehun just pulls the door open when he suddenly yells out. 

"This isnt just sex to me!" Sehun stops. He feels tears pricking his eyes and he shuts the door. "You're not a game to me, Sehunnie. I'm not just playing with you." Baekhyun sounds so desperate and Sehun hasn't seen him like this since the day it all started, since the day he begged him to fuck him. He turns around and leans against the door while he looks at Baekhyun. 

"I used to feel numb all the time. Being on all those drugs for so long fucked with my head. The drugs released serotonin and dopamine without my body needing it. Now, I don't release serotonin and dopamine like a normal person would." He takes a deep breath and rakes his fingers through his hair. Sehun moves closer slowly. "I was numb all the time. I used pain to release those chemicals. I used pain to try to feel things again. Then that day you came in…I don't know. Something was just different in the way you were touching and talking to me and it felt good. You were just so different and I just needed you to feel me and need to feel you and I wanted to start chasing pleasure instead of pain. That day you came in, I started to feel things again." Sehun was crying again and Baekhyun just wanted to hold him.

"This morning... there's no excuse for what I did, but I just panicked. I was so scared that I would never be able to feel love and that I'd never be able to love you the way you deserve. So…I ran away. I went and drove around all the places I used to get fucked up. I bought a pack of cigs and I came home ready to apologize and beg for forgiveness, but you weren't here. I smoked the whole pack and just wanted you to come home. I got angry and sad, because you deserve someone better. I cried and I flipped the coffee table and…and..." 

Sehun wraps his arms around Baekhyun tightly. Holding the smear boy against his chest. They held each other while Baekhyun calmed down. "I might not be able to love you yet," Baekhyun admitted softly and Sehun tensed everywhere, "but I do know that I want this to be your home. I want to be your home. I want you with me forever and I want to take care of you and be better for you." Sehun relaxed and pulled Baekhyun in tighter. "I want to love you..." he admitted softly, curling his fingers into Sehun's hoodie. "And I think someday soon I'll be able to…to love you, like you deserve.

Sehun pulled back so they could look each other in the eye. He trailed his fingers down the soft tan skin of Baekhyun's cheek, caressing him carefully. They stood in the silence for a few minutes, just looking at and feeling each other. Baekhyun began bubbling with anxiety, desperate for Sehun to say something, anything. 

He brushed his lips against the older's forehead before speaking softly. "Nothing makes me happier than being with you, Baekhyun. I love you and I don't mind waiting for you."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this please leave a comment below! Also, follow me on Twitter @tae_tator!


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